


i'm just too far from where you are

by hlundqvists



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Barebacking, Established Relationship, M/M, New York Rangers, Ryan and Dan are both kinda idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-08
Updated: 2014-07-08
Packaged: 2018-02-07 23:20:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1917879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hlundqvists/pseuds/hlundqvists
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The first text stung. It hit him right in the chest, taking the air out of his lungs as he tried to hold back a sob.</i>
</p>
<p><i>I keep forgetting you're not here anymore.</i>.</p>
<p>Takes place from a month after Cally's trade to the end of playoffs. Ryan and Dan are kind of terrible at the whole maintaining a  relationship thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm just too far from where you are

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written a fic this long before and I apologize if it is terrible. Also, I apologize for any spelling/grammar errors and if this entire story just does not make any sense at all. Hey, at least I wrote some porn at the end?
> 
> And the title is snagged from Michael Buble's song " _Home_ ".

The first text stung. It hit him right in the chest, taking the air out of his lungs as he tried to hold back a sob.

_I keep forgetting you're not here anymore._

He doesn't reply, doesn't know how to reply. He wants to say something like 'I miss you, too' or 'I wish I was coming back' or 'I'm sorry' but his fingers get stuck, refusing to type out the words and hit send.

The next text doesn't come until two days later, and it hurts even more this time.

_I looked for you. I looked for you and you weren't there to smile and say "good job". I don't know how to do this without you._

He can't go without answering that, hurriedly sending back a reply that says _that's a lie and you know it is, you can do this without me. i know you can._

The reply is nearly instantaneous. 

_I don't want to do this without you._

He doesn't answer. He just stares at his phone and watches the time tick by until he passes out to sleep.

When he wakes, there's no new text waiting for him.

///

Time passes. The playoffs start.

It's a good enough excuse to use for the lack of communication between them. Both too busy focusing on bettering themselves to help their teams move forward, to possibly reach the ultimate goal of the cup.

The dream doesn't last long for Ryan. Tampa falls out of the running, the Rangers move on and he's left feeling a little hollow inside.

Down in Florida, he doesn't have someone to reach out to. He doesn't have someone to hold. All he gets is a few handshakes, nods, and murmurs of "we'll grow stronger next season, you'll see".

He believes it. He really does. He thinks this team has a chance to push itself even further in the new season, that they'll get even better and grow stronger.

He just wishes that he could have a few minutes with the familiar weight of Dan pressed against him. He wishes that he could feel that comfort, hear reassurances in that voice he knows and trusts.

Right now, though? He's alone.

Later that night when he gets back to the hotel he's been staying in, Ryan pulls out his phone and dials Dan's number.

The pone rings and rings and rings until it goes to voicemail. He knew he shouldn't have gotten his hopes up, knew that it wasn't likely Dan would be awake at this hour to pick up -- and that was with the hope that Dan even _wanted_ to talk to him.

He leaves a message, trying not to sound too desperate or lonely.

Apparently he did a terrible job because when he wakes up the next day, there's a few texts waiting to be read by him. All from Dan.

_I'm so sorry I missed your call._

_I'm sorry about Tampa. You did your best. Everyone knows that._

_This isn't on you._

_Come home. Please. I miss you. I need you._

///

He goes back to New York a week later. Just in time to receive the news of the Rangers beating the Flyers and moving on in the playoffs. It sends a stab of pain through his chest; he hates that he's not there with them to celebrate, that he's not with _his boys_ to congratulate them and give out pats on the backs and words of encouragement.

Ryan knows that it's too late to go back and change his decision. He's made his choice and he belongs with Tampa now, he probably will for a few more years. It doesn't ease the pain of not being there with the team that was _his_ for so long.

The night doesn't have to be spent alone, though. He's fully aware of that. If he sends off a text to just one of the guys -- let them know that he's back in the city -- his phone will blow up with texts inviting him out to celebrate with them.

He's not sure if he can face them right now, though, so he remains silent and makes his way to his old, familiar apartment and settles in for the night.

He'll send out texts in the morning.

Maybe he'll even call Dan.

///

The alarms that he'd set for himself don't wake him in the morning. No, it's too early for those to be going off. 

There's a pounding in the distance and it pulls him out of his dreams and to consciousness. He groans, trying to block the noise out with a pillow until he hears a muffled shout of his name and suddenly he's sitting up in bed, eyes wide.

Knocking. That's knocking. There's someone knocking on his door.

Ryan grabs a t-shirt and some sweatpants from the floor, quickly pulling them on before walking from the bedroom to the main hallway.

The knocking has gotten louder, more insistent.

"Hold on! I'm coming!"

He scrubs a hand over his face, unlocks the door and pulls it open. He's mid-yawn and it stops in his throat, eyes going wide.

It's Dan.

Dan is standing there at his doorstep, looking tired and cranky and just as beautiful as ever.

"I thought I gave you a key."

"You did."

Ryan stands still, looking Dan over before remembering himself. He steps aside to make some room, gesturing. "Do you want to come in?"

He's hopeful until Dan shakes his head, and it's only then that Ryan notices the duffel bag hanging from Dan's shoulder.

"No, I have to-- We're going to Pittsburgh. I just thought I'd see if you were..... actually here or not."

Ryan chews at his bottom lip, nodding.

"Yeah, of course. I'm-- I'm here. I'll be here."

Dan shifts on his feet, looking very much like he wants to just drop the bag and push Ryan against the wall, kiss him breathless and stay for the rest of the night.

A huge part of Ryan wishes that he would.

But he doesn't. Dan just readjusts the bag's strap and clears his throat.

"I'll see you when we get back, then."

Ryan makes a small noise, dropping his gaze to the floor.

"Yeah. Yeah, you will."

There's a moment of silence before Dan finally breaks it to whisper, "I miss you so much."

A lump forms in Ryan's throat and he swallows around it. He wants to reach out and touch Dan, pull him in for a kiss that will never end but he can't. He can't because it'll be too much for either of them.

"You should go. You have a plane to catch."

Dan looks wounded and Ryan knows that all he's done since the trade deadline is fuck up with every step he takes. He doesn't say another word, though. Doesn't say "I love you" or "Stay", like he wants to do.

He keeps quiet and eventually Dan sighs, murmurs a quiet "bye" and walks away.

Ryan shuts the door, turning to press his back to it and slides to the floor, pulling his knees to his chest.

It's not long before the tears come.

///

They don't talk much for the rest of the series. Ryan watches every single game. He feels pride when goals are made and good plays happen and he feels disappointment and guilt when the opposite happens.

There's nothing he can do, though.

He sends off some texts here and there to the guys. Quick little comments of _good game_ or _you'll get it next time_.

Some of them text back. Some don't.

Dan doesn't answer once.

Ryan figures it's better that way.

///

He watches from his couch as his bo-- as the Rangers beat the Penguins.

He watches as they go on to face the Canadiens.

He watches and cheers and unashamedly sheds a few tears as the Rangers move on to become _Eastern Conference Finals Champions_.

He's bursting with pride for them, for all of them.

It just stings a little when Dan ignores his calls after everyone else answers.

///

It's nearly been a month since he's talked to Dan. It hurts and makes him wonder if what they had is over now, if Dan has moved on and doesn't love him anymore.

Rationally he knows that Dan has to be focusing on the game. Personal life woes have no room on the ice. Ryan knows that. But still, just a simple text would ease the ache in his chest.

The ache only grows worse as the _Cup Final_ starts. It's an ache that is bone deep. He wants so badly to be there with the team. Through better or worse, he was their captain and that feeling of responsibility doesn't fade quickly.

As the Rangers fall into a three game deficit, Ryan starts to wonder if leaving the team was really the best decision for himself. Was this his fault? Was everything falling apart because he wasn't there?

No, it couldn't be that. He knows that Richie has stepped up -- has become the unofficial captain in Ryan's absence and has been helping to hold everyone together in the locker room. Richie was always better than him at that.

The worries leave briefly as the boys win 2 to 1 in game four. Hope flares up inside of his chest. They can do this. They can win the Cup. They can win it and bring it home and it'll be beautiful and incredible and everything that Ryan has dreamed of.

///

The hope dies and flickers out in game five. It leaves him feeling numb, fingers frozen against the keypad of his phone. 

He doesn't know what to say. A simple _sorry_ isn't enough. But nothing will be.

He pockets his phone, turns the TV off, and curls up to sleep.

Maybe he'll know what to do in the morning.

///

When Ryan wakes up, it's to the smell of coffee brewing. He glances at his phone; it's almost 10. 

There isn't a question in his mind as to who is in the kitchen. There's only one person it could be.

He gets up from the couch, rubs the sleep from his eyes, and walks to the kitchen. He sees Dan standing there, hands braced against the countertop as he stares at the coffee pot.

Ryan clears his throat.

"Hey."

Dan turns; he looks so weary, so damn tired and all Ryan wants to do is wrap him up in his arms and take care of him.

"Hey."

Dan's voice is hoarse. As if he's been crying recently.

It breaks Ryan. He steps over to Dan, wrapping both arms around that familiar waist and pulls him in close. Dan reacts immediately, clinging to the back of Ryan's shirt and dropping his head down to bury against Ryan's neck.

"I'm so sorry, Dan. I'm so sorry. For-- for _everything_."

Dan's shoulders shake against Ryan.

"It's-- We were so c-close. We were so close and I--"

The words choke off and die. Ryan holds Dan tighter.

"It's not your fault. It's not your fault, baby. You have a broken finger. Fuck. It's not your fault. I'm so sorry. I should have been there. _I should have been there_. I'm sorry. I--"

Ryan breaks off on a sob, pressing his face to Dan's hair.

They hold onto each other, letting all the tears they've been holding back out.

They hold onto each other and they whisper promises to never let go. Never again.

///

Eventually they move from the kitchen to the bedroom. The second they collapse onto the bed, Dan passes out and sleeps heavily. He clings onto Ryan, taking the promise to never let go rather literally. 

Ryan doesn't mind, though. He's missed this so much. He's missed having Dan spread out next to him, having this close contact. He's missed everything about Dan.

So he lets Dan cling to him like an octopus and snore in his ear and doesn't feel like complaining or pushing Dan away once because _he's missed having Dan_. 

And he loves Dan so much.

He loves Dan with all his heart and he's never going to let himself miss another moment like this.

///

At some point, Ryan must have fallen asleep because he's blinking his eyes open at the sensation of wetness against his chest. He groans, low in his throat, and lifts his head to see Dan mouthing at his nipples.

"Fuck." His voice is rough. "Hey."

Dan lifts his head, grinning slowly. "Hey."

"What are you doing?"

Dan laughs, dropping his head back down to place a trail of kisses down the center of Ryan's chest.

"I've missed you."

Ryan's heart swells a little and he brings a hand up to curl against the back of Dan's neck, pulling him up for a kiss.

They both moan into it, lips parted as they breathe into each other. It's been so long. Too long.

Ryan licks into Dan's mouth, hands sliding down to squeeze his ass. He grins at the reaction it brings; a low moan and a whine.

"I've missed you, too."

He kisses Dan once, twice, three times before pulling back and rolling him over onto his back, straddling him easily.

"I should have called or texted or-- or just come to see you."

Dan lifts a hand, tracing his fingertips along Ryan's stomach.

"I should have, too. We just-- We hit a rough spot. It happens, yeah? But we're here now."

Ryan licks his lips slowly, palms sliding down Dan's sides.

"Yeah, we're here now."

Dan smiles mischievously, moving his hands up, thumbs brushing against Ryan's nipples.

"So, what are you going to do with me?"

Ryan grins, leaning down to kiss Dan slowly.

"I think I'm going to fuck you."

He moves off of Dan for a moment; stripping his clothes and grabbing lube from the nightstand. Once he's back on the bed, he finds that Dan took the time to strip down too.

He goes still, eyes roaming over Dan's body.

"Fuck, you're so beautiful."

Dan flushes in the most brilliant way; it starts at his neck, spreading to his cheeks and then down, down to his chest. Ryan loves it.

He doesn't want to waste time. Too much time has passed since the last time he felt Dan under him. He _wants_ Dan with a burning deep inside. There's no time for teasing touches right now.

Dan seems to be on the same page, arching his hips off the bed and whining for Ryan to move and touch him.

Ryan complies, sliding down and trailing his mouth along Dan's body until he's wrapping his lips around the head of Dan's cock. He has to hold Dan's hips down with both hands, not quite ready to have his mouth fucked suddenly.

It feels so good to have the taste of Dan inside his mouth again. He moans happily, taking more in and swirling his tongue in the ways that he knows Dan likes best.

He sets a steady pace quickly, bobbing his head and hollowing his cheeks. Dan is moaning, fighting to thrust his hips up but Ryan won't let up. He just applies more pressure to Dan's hips, keeping him down and continues to suck his cock down until hands are pulling roughly at Ryan's hair.

"Ry-- Fuck, come on. P-please."

Ryan pulls off, lips wets and shining, breathing hard. He grins up at Dan, reaching for the lube.

"How do you want it?"

He's watching Dan's face carefully as he uncaps the lube, pouring some out onto his fingers and spreading it.

"I just-- I just want you. However you'll give it to me."

Ryan smiles, pressing a kiss to Dan's hip.

"Okay. Roll over for me, baby."

Dan scrambles to obey, rolling over onto his stomach then holds himself up, braced on his elbows and knees. Ryan takes a moment to appreciate the view; the curve of Dan's ass, his thighs -- strong and all muscle -- shaking minutely in anticipation. He moves to kneel between Dan's legs, fingers dancing against Dan's ass teasingly just for a second before he presses a finger in slowly.

Dan is so tight around his finger, so warm and familiar. It makes Ryan moan and Dan grunts, rocking his hips impatiently.

"C'mon, I can take it."

Ryan shushes him, leaning down to kiss the base of his spine.

"Gotta go slow, babe. It's been a while."

For a moment, it seems like Dan is ready to protest and tell Ryan to just fuck him -- something that Ryan wouldn't be able to resist -- but he just sighs and bows his head, relaxing himself around the press and twist of Ryan's finger.

"Just-- Don't tease me, okay? I won't last that long."

Ryan doesn't tease. As much as he wants to, he doesn't. He fucks Dan gently with one finger, waiting until he's certain that Dan is ready to add a second. That's when he picks up the pace a little, pushing deeper and crooking his fingers to hit the right spot to make Dan moan. He spreads his fingers, working Dan open enough to take a third finger and keeps fucking him until he's whining and clawing at the sheets, begging Ryan to get inside him.

"Ry, p-please. I'm r-ready. I need you. Come on, f-fuck me."

Ryan's already pulling his fingers out, grabbing the lube and spreading a generous amount onto his dick.

"Fuck, yeah, need to get in you. Fuck."

He lines himself up and pushes in, hands grabbing at Dan's hips. He doesn't stop moving until he's balls deep, bent forward so his forehead is touching the back of Dan's neck.

They exhale together and just like that the pieces of themselves that had been lost without the other fall into place and everything feels..... right. Everything feels perfect.

Ryan kisses the spot between Dan's shoulders, waiting another moment until Dan rocks his hips.

"Ryan..... c'mon, _fuck me_."

He straightens himself back up, hands curling around Dan's hips once more and he pulls out just to the tip before thrusting hard back in. He does it a few more times, grinning as Dan moans and tries to fuck back against him for more. There's only so much teasing that Ryan can take, though and being buried inside Dan -- feeling that tight, warmth around his dick -- has him needing more.

He quickens the pace, fingers digging hard enough into Dan's skin to leave bruises. They're both moaning, gasping for air with every thrust. Ryan doesn't try to make it last, knows too well that there's no way he's lasting long enough for that. Not yet, anyway. 

Dan is moaning and writhing beneath him, meeting every single thrust with little breathy gasps and Ryan loves it. He loves feeling Dan coming apart beneath him, the way he clenches around Ryan's dick as he gets closer to the edge.

"F-fuck. Fuck, Ry. I love you. I love you. I missed you so much."

Ryan just groans, reaching a hand down to curl around Dan's dick and starts to stroke him in time with the thrusts.

"Missed you, too. Fuck. Dan. You feel so good. You take it so good, too. Fuck, fuck. Love your ass."

He thrusts in hard, moving his thumb to flick against the tip of Dan's dick.

"I love you, Dan. Love you so much."

Dan shudders, moaning loudly as he comes hard and messily over Ryan's fingers. 

"O-oh, fuck. F-fuck."

Ryan bites back a loud cry, thrusting in a few more times before he follows Dan over the edge and comes inside him. 

They stay still, catching their breath. Ryan dropping his forehead down against Dan's spine, kissing the skin there softly.

"I'm going to pull out now, okay?"

The only response Ryan gets is a muffled grunt. He kisses Dan's spine once more before carefully pulling out, dropping down onto the bed next to Dan and reaches to pull him close.

Dan latches onto him immediately, nuzzling against his neck and curling an arm over his waist.

"Mm. Love you, Ry."

"I love you, too."

They lapse into silence until Dan breaks it slowly.

"I'm going to fall asleep again. When I wake up, I want you to take me apart slowly. Make it last. Okay?"

Ryan smiles, pressing a kiss to the top of Dan's head.

"Okay."

"After that, we'll talk about..... stuff. But right now-- sleep and then sex."

Ryan laughs, kissing Dan's head again.

"Okay. I got it."

Dan falls silent again and enough time passes that Ryan thinks he's fallen asleep but then--

"You'll still be here when I wake up?" 

It's asked in a soft whisper that makes Ryan's heart ache.

He pulls Dan closer, nuzzling into his hair.

"I will. I'll always be here when you wake up. I promise."


End file.
